I've Made a Huge Mistake
by OdeToANightingale
Summary: Now the story of an elven family who lost their sanity, and the adopted son who had no choice but to keep his wits together. It's Arrested Eldar. [mashup between LotR and Arrested Development]


_Author's Note:_ Yes, it's exactly what it sounds like. The result of what happens when I'm binge-watching Arrested Development and obsessing over Tolkien at the same time. This story is not a crossover, but my own warped idea of what it might look like if a certain family of elves lived out their lives like the Bluth family.

 _Disclaimer:_ I don't claim to own anything related to Lord of the Rings, Arrested Development, or anything else you may recognize here. I do claim all badly written song lyrics.

* * *

 _Now the story of an elven family who lost their sanity, and the adopted son who had no choice but to keep his wits together._

 **It's Arrested Eldar.**

Aragorn had been harboring a secret crush on his foster sister, Arwen, for years. Among the badly scribbled poetry he kept hidden in his bedroom, he even wrote her a song titled "It's Too Bad We've Got the Same Dad."

 _"It's too bad  
We've got the same dad  
We're not really related  
But it still makes me sad  
'Cause if your dad found out  
I know it'd make him pretty mad,"_

he sang to himself, seated alone in his room with a harp in his hands. Suddenly a knock came at the door and Aragorn nearly fell off his chair as Arwen entered the room, wearing a new gown fresh from the seamstresses.

"What do you think?" she asked, turning around to give Aragorn a better look. "Ada will hate it. He says only depressed elves wear black."

Aragorn's mouth went dry. "And _are_ you depressed?"

She sighed. "Only when I see that wilderness of stubble on your face. My pet rabbit could get lost in there! Glorfindel is so smooth."

And it was in that moment that Aragorn vowed to shave himself smooth every morning.

"Well, um, it's a nice dress," he said, trying to avert his eyes.

Arwen smiled and took him by the hand. "I'm so glad Ada adopted you. You're the best brother I could ask for!"

And as Arwen swept out of the room, Aragorn thought of the song he had written with a sinking heart.

"I've made a huge mistake."

-x-

Their father, meanwhile, was trying to relax on his private terrace when he received a telepathic message from his mother-in-law.

"I need a favor," said Galadriel.

Elrond raised an eyebrow. "The last time you said that, my best cloak caught fire."

Galadriel sighed. "My marriage isn't working, Elrond."

"Your marriage hasn't been working for three ages now," said Elrond. "What's new?"

"Celeborn's decided he no longer wants to be lord of the Golden Wood. He wants to be a singing sensation instead and he's already sworn to defeat Tom Bombadil in a competition."

"What do you want me to do? Mix up a draught for Bombadil so his vocal chords give out?"

"No, not Bombadil. You have to stop _Celeborn_. Bad enough we haven't slept together in nearly two hundred years. If he carries on with this _dream_ of his, I'll be a laughingstock."

Elrond raised the other eyebrow. "It's a few hundred years late for that, don't you think?"

"What in the name of Celeborn's lacy bra and matching panties is that supposed to mean?"

Celeborn, who had been studying the art of telepathy, overheard his wife. "I don't have a lacy bra _or_ matching panties," he said.

Celeborn was lying.

Elrond massaged his aching temples. "I'll see what I can do, Galadriel. In the meantime, get some earplugs."

-x-

Earplugs were becoming very popular in Lothlorien. This was due to the fact that Celeborn often spent long hours walking through the woods singing to himself, determined to rhyme better than Tom Bombadil.

Bombadil was actually better.

"I'm a Barbie elf, sitting on the shelf," Celeborn sang, trying to compose his own version of the popular hit "Barbie Girl." "No, that doesn't work. I'm a Barbie man, sitting on the can. No, no, this won't do at all!"

"Maybe you should find a new hobby," Haldir informed him.

"I _have_ considered doing party tricks," said Celeborn. "If you string your bow tight enough, I can catch your arrow in my mouth!"

Haldir raised an eyebrow worthy of Elrond and stalked away.

"You can drop in any time if you ever want to collaborate!" Celeborn called after him. "My back door's always open!"

-x-

Back in Galadriel's home, a very bored and irate Galadriel was sipping elven wine while flipping through the latest Lothlorien Yellow Pages, searching for successful business owners who could replace her wayward husband.

Just then, her grandson Elladan came into the room dressed in his pajamas, clutching a jug of elven juice and his favorite stuffed oliphant.

"Where have you been all day?" Galadriel demanded. "I had to refill the Mirror by myself!"

"They were doing a marathon of TreeBob Leafpants down by the river," Elladan replied sulkily. "I couldn't miss it."

TreeBob Leafpants was a children's puppet show featuring a talking tree sapling and his best friend Patrick Pinecone. It was an exact ripoff of SpongeBob Squarepants.

"You went down by the _river_?" Galadriel demanded, completely scandalized.

"Yes, Grandmother. I did," replied Elladan. "I didn't go in the water, if that's what you're worried about."

"As if I would ever worry myself about _you_."

Which was the second biggest lie Galadriel had told that day.

 _("Celeborn and I have been very intimate lately," she remarked to her neighbor an hour earlier.)_

Galadriel turned the page in her Yellow Pages. "I'm thinking about finding someone new to please me."

Elladan clutched his oliphant closer to his chest and frowned at his grandmother. "I'm sorry I didn't fill your Mirror this morning! I have needs too, you know."

"I meant in a marital sense."

"Oh." Elladan took a sip of his juice and backed slowly away. "I'm going to go sort through my arrow collection."

"Stay out of the river!" she called after him.

-x-

Elladan began living with his grandmother after his crisis over having an identical twin brother. This began sometime after his three hundredth birthday.

 _("Everyone thinks we're the same person," Elladan complained to his father. "Including you, Ada! You called me Elrohir the other day.")_

He actually didn't, but nobody could prove it.

 _("I've got to get away from Elrohir and be my own elf!" Elladan declared.)_

Despite the fact that Elladan deliberately copied his brother on a daily basis.

It was decided that Elrohir would remain in Rivendell while Elladan went to his grandparents in Lothlorien to discover his own individuality. Instead he developed an unnatural dependance upon his grandmother.

 _("I've made a huge mistake," Elrond whispered.)_

-x-

Back in Rivendell, Arwen discovered a surprise on the following morning.

"Aragorn! I almost didn't recognize you."

"Do you like it?" asked Aragorn. "It took me all morning to pluck those stubborn ones on my upper lip."

Feeling threatened by clean-shaven types like Glorfindel, Aragorn had shaved every trace of stubble from his face. It was awkward.

"It's… great!" said Arwen, struggling to smile. "You look delicious, like a plucked chicken. Ada will be sure to hate it." She brightened considerably. "Speaking of things Ada hates, I bought a pair of those black sunglasses he always says he doesn't like. What do you think?"

This was not the response Aragorn had hoped for. He couldn't deny, however, that Arwen looked very fetching in her sunglasses.

The two of them made their way to the breakfast table and discovered Elrond wearing an identical pair of shades.

Arwen's jaw dropped. "Ada, what do you think you're wearing?"

"Oh, these?" Elrond lifted up his sunglasses. "You didn't think your old man could be hip, did you?"

"But you've always hated those. You say they bring bad memories."

Elrond shrugged and dropped the shades back over his eyes. "I've gotten over it."

"You're such a hypocrite," Arwen muttered. She removed her sunglasses and took Aragorn by the hand. "Come on. Let's see if I can order some more black dresses."

"You know, if you really wanted to irritate Ada, we could kiss right in front of him," Aragorn suggested as they walked away. "As a joke, of course. Our lips wouldn't even have to touch. If you didn't want them to."

"That _might_ be a decent idea," Arwen mused. Aragorn's hopes soared, only to crash-land a moment later. "I think it might work better with Elrohir, though. Ada doesn't care for Elrohir."

-x-

"I have to run a little errand for my mother-in-law," Elrond told Aragorn an hour later. "You've seemed a little restless lately. Why don't the two of us take a trip together?"

Aragorn wouldn't admit it, but he was starting to regret his decision to shave.

"I don't know, Ada. I might just stay in my room for a bit, practice my harp a little. Couldn't you take Elrohir?"

Elrond raised both eyebrows. "Him?"

"He _is_ your son…"

Elrond put a hand on Aragorn's shoulder. "I may not be the one who sired you, but you _are_ family. As good as my own son. You know you can tell me anything."

Aragorn hesitated, then blurted out, "I'm in love with my foster sister."

Elrond just sighed and shook his head. "Arwen put you up to that, didn't she? I really need to have a talk with that girl…"

Somehow Aragorn got saddled into taking a trip to Lothlorien with his foster father. They were renting a giant eagle for the occasion.

As the eagle prepared to take flight with the two passengers on its back, an elf rode up on a horse that had been bedecked with a magnificent headdress. The name _'Ro_ had been embroidered onto the headdress in silver lettering, despite all the elves who told Elrohir it was a stupid nickname.

"Ada?" said Elrohir, seated motionless on his horse as the eagle spread its wings. "Aragorn?"

The eagle flapped once and Elrohir waved his arms in the air.

"Wait, Ada, take me with you! Take me with you!"

But the eagle took off and a single tear slid down Elrohir's cheek as he watched his family fly away.

"Overlooked again."

-x-

In Lothlorien, Celeborn thought he was making progress.

"I've got it," he declared. "The perfect rhyme! Tom Bombadil won't know what hit him when I grab hold of his _ring-a-dong-dillo_ with my own two hands. Hit it, Rumil!"

Rumil, the unlucky elf who had been roped into Celeborn's service, played an unenthusiastic tune on a makeshift flute. Celeborn began his ripoff titled "Elven Boy."

 _"I'm an elven boy_  
 _And your elven toy_  
 _Life in woodlands_  
 _With my good friends_  
 _I can braid my hair_  
 _I don't wear underwear_  
 _The sensation_  
 _My life is a vacation!"_

"Oh, hello Elrond," Celeborn broke off, seeing his son-in-law striding toward him. "Are those new sunglasses?"

"The sun's getting hotter, they say," said Elrond. "What's going on here?"

"Oh, I'm just practicing," said Celeborn. "Rumil's graciously had his lips around my flute for the last two hours. He's quite a skilled blower."

"I didn't need to hear that," said Elrond.

Neither did Rumil.

"You know, Celeborn, as the elf who raised Elrohir, I know a disappointment when I see one," said Elrond. "Don't you feel that all of this is rather… beyond you?"

"You've been talking to Galadriel, haven't you?" sighed Celeborn. "Looks like we're in the same boat here. My wife is threatening to leave me too."

"My wife didn't leave me. She was attacked by orcs. But yes, let's say Galadriel _did_ mention something about you shirking your duties around here. Why are you doing this, Celeborn?" Elrond removed his black sunglasses for dramatic effect.

"Ah, there are those deep dark eyes I've been dreaming about," said Celeborn. He coughed. "In a prophecy. It was a prophetic dream. I knew we would meet today!"

"And this singing idea of yours?"

Celeborn sighed again. "You wouldn't understand, Elrond. It's like I have this gaping hole in my life, and until my hole is filled I can't be satisfied."

"I'm going to pretend I didn't hear that," said Elrond. He clapped Celeborn on the back. "You have fun with your little project."

-x-

While Elrond made a quick getaway from his father-in-law, his mother-in-law was pursuing a project of her own.

After seeing the Yellow Pages advertisement of Aegnor Swifthands, Lothlorien's main home builder _(Don't fret! I'll build you the best flet, guaranteed! - his ad declared)_ Galadriel decided to put on her best outfit and visit his office.

"Swifthands Building Experts. How can I help you?" Aegnor greeted her.

It was the name "Swifthands" that had caught her attention.

"I don't know how else to put this," said Galadriel, smiling coyly at the builder. "But I think there are some nails around here that need hammering."

"Gladly," said Aegnor, smiling back.

"I know a _lot_ about handling wood."

"Good for you. Most women I know don't. Where do you want it?"

"Oh, anywhere," said Galadriel. "How about upstairs?"

"An add-on. Great. I'll draw up the blueprints today!"

And in spite of her best attempts to seduce the builder, it eventually became clear that he was all business.

"I need a new tactic," Galadriel muttered to herself.

-x-

She returned home to find Elrond and Aragorn sitting around her parlor, drinking her stash of elven wine. Thanks to his newly shaven face, she failed to recognize Aragorn.

"Elrond, you didn't tell me you were bringing company," she said, hastily tucking her hair into place. "And such a handsome stranger too. What's his name?"

"It's me, Grandma," said Aragorn.

"Oh. You look… younger, Aragorn. Why don't you go see Elladan? He's been spending too much time with that stupid oliphant of his."

"He has a name, Grandmother!" Elladan called out from the next room.

Galadriel sighed. "See what I mean? You and your brother don't spend enough time with him." She sipped her elven wine and smiled. "Go on now, Aragorn. Just keep him out of the sun, won't you?"

Galadriel was trying to hide the fact that she now found her foster grandson attractive.

Aragorn, meanwhile, found his foster brother seated in his bedroom eating a box of animal crackers. He was deliberately picking out the crackers shaped like oliphants and setting them aside.

"It makes Ollie uncomfortable when I eat these," he whispered to Aragorn.

"You're a real gentleman," said Aragorn.

"Hey, you look different," said Elladan, glancing up from his crackers. "Are you feeling okay?"

Aragorn shrugged. "Girl trouble."

"Me too. Grandmother won't let me watch TreeBob Leafpants for a month. I'm thinking about sneaking out when she's in the bath."

"I meant trouble with a _girl_ girl. Not a grandmother."

"She holds up very well for an elf who's seen three ages!" Elladan retorted.

"I'm going to go," Aragorn said after an uncomfortable pause.

And he walked into a scene even more unsettling. Celeborn had just returned home after an hour of what he thought was a successful composing session.

"Ah, there's the elf who makes my arrow stand," he announced, looking at Elrond and Galadriel seated on the sofa together.

Galadriel was strangely flattered. "Celeborn, not in front of the grandchildren."

Celeborn blinked. "Right! My beautiful wife! Now if you'll excuse me, I have a flute to go blow."

"Ripping out his vocal chords is starting to seem like a good idea," Elrond said as Celeborn walked out.

-x-

ON THE NEXT Arrested Eldar:

 _Elladan looks into the mirror of Galadriel._

"Uncle Elros is my _father_?"

 _Celeborn finally finds the perfect song-writing partner._

"It ain't easy being an elf," sang Celeborn, side-by-side with Gimli.

"It ain't easy being a dwarf!"

 _And Elrohir finds someone who will give him the attention he craves, by impersonating his twin brother… Until it backfires on him._

"You can say goodbye to _these_ , Celeborn, because this is the last time!" Galadriel declared, thinking it was her husband who had crept into the room.

"The horror!" cried Elrohir, shielding his eyes. "The horror!"

 **-END-**


End file.
